Yandere Tamaki
by pyromoosepoop
Summary: Tamaki falls so in love with Haruhi that he goes yandere and murders the host club. Rated T for murder and stalking. This Fanfiction is supposed to be a joke, please don't take it too seriously.
1. I'm bad at naming chapters

**A/N: Hello! This Fanfiction is different from many of my other Fanfictions. That could be because it was co-written by my friend Peyton. This Fanfiction is suppose to be a joke. Much like the show, it is overdramatic, very overdramatic. Please read and then follow, favorite, and/or review.**

"Hey, twins."

"Yes boss?" They say in unison. Tamaki had big plans for them.

"I need you to meet me after school, and don't tell anyone where you're going. It's a secret."

"Secret?" The twins say in unison, smiling evilly at each other.

"Don't worry Boss" Hikaru said

"We'll be there." Kaoru finished.

Tamaki walked through the halls, wondering if he should really go through with this.

"Hey senpai."

"GAH!" Tamaki yelled as he turned around. Haruhi was behind Tamaki.

She smiled "You sure are jumpy today senpai."

One look at Haruhi's beautiful, somewhat masculine face reminded Tamaki that he must go through with it.

"So, why did you want to see us?" Hikaru asked.

"Nobody knows you're here, right?"

"Of course." Hikaru said.

"Why couldn't we tell anyone?" Kaoru asked, obviously skeptical.

"I have this axe, I need help chopping wood. Yes… wooood."

"You're weird." Kaoru said.

"You called us out here for that! Really Boss! We're leaving." Hikaru said and started walking away.

"oh… you don't want to do that…" Tamaki said. One swift chop of the axe caused the head of the leaving twin to fall to the ground.

"HIKARU!" Kaoru yelled.

"Stay away from Haruhi…" Kaoru's head soon followed the fate of his brother's.

"Today, we look into the murder of the rich twins Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachiin. They were found in the back of their school, Ouran High School. Both decapitated, one of the identical brothers has the words 'STAY OFF' and the other one says 'MY GIRL'. We believe 'MY GIRL' is referring to America. America, home of the free, land of the brave, even here in Japan we salute that beautiful country. God bless America. Amen." The American news reporter said. Tamaki was watching with great intensity.

"Good. They don't suspect a thing." He smiled.

"They don't suspect what, Master Tamaki?" A new maid said as she came in to dust.

"Oh nothing. Could you please turn off the lights for a second?"

"Yes Master Tamaki."

In the dark, she got stabbed through the esophagus, puncturing both the lungs, and lower intestine. She died.

"TAMA-CHAN! I heard your maid got murdered in your room. Mori-chan told me to give you cake!" Honey said holding up strawberry cake. He had innocence bursting through his brown eye balls of chibi-nessssssssssssssa.

"Thank you Honey-Senpai." Tamaki said. 'Should I kill him too? I should make a list.' He thought.

A list he did make.

List Of Whom I Will Kill:

1\. Hikaru and Kaoru. (If I could do it again, I would)

2\. Her weird transvestite father

3\. Her mother… oh wait…

4\. The rest of the host club (besides Haruhi and me, of course)

5\. I can't think of anything else… why did I even make a #5…

6\. WHY DID I EVEN MAKE A LIST! It's only two real things on it!

7\. Eren's mom. Damn, wrong anime.

8\. Seriously I'm done.

9\. OH WAIT! Batman's parents! Wait, that's completely irrelevant. And already done.

10\. That one guy that was Haruhi's 'friend'

11\. Every customer of Host Haruhi (except me, again)

12\. That one guy from that one time. (You know the one)


	2. Even more murder! YAY!

Tamaki snuck in his beloved man-woman's house. That can apply to both the father and Haruhi. Not the beloved part for the father. There should be a Nirvana album for this. Nevermind.

Tamaki stood over Haruhi, watching her sleep. "You will be miiiiine…" He whispered, and snuck into her dad's room. To make a medium story short; He killed him. Her? It? To make a medium story long; Tamaki-Senpai, still in uniform, lurked into the commoner of his dream's kitchen. From the said room, he collected a single steak knife. From the kitchen, the Host Club leader walked into Haruhi's fath- I don't want to make a medium story long any more. He killed the *Insert gender here*. He then watched Haruhi sleep some more.

Haruhi woke up the next day, assuming her father (whose body was dragged out by Tamaki) was at work already.

"Now, onto the list." Tamaki said looking at said list. 7 things were crossed off, six of which were irrelevant, and so host club members were next.

"Who should I kill first?" Tamaki asked himself.

"HHHEEEEEEEEYYYY TAMA-CHAN! Usa-chan wanted-" Honey started to say, but noticed a blood stain on Tamaki's uniform from the transvestite. "What's that on your shirt?"

Tamaki noticed the blood. "It's umm would you believe me if I said ketchup?"

"Of course Tama-chan! Mori-senpai lets me have ketchup for breakfast if I've been good!"

"Hey, Honey-senpai. Do you want some… caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawaaaaqaaaaaaaaaaake?"

"I would love some cake! Can Usa-chan have some too?"

"The more, the merrier."

Tamaki took arsenic (Poison, for those who aren't psychopaths like myself) out of his pocket and made it the cake topping.

"Here you go Honey-senpai. Make sure you eat all of it."

"Okay!" Honey said. He started to eat the cake. (I'M SORRY HONEY-SENPAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIII! You will be missed :'( ) "Hey Tamaki, did you add anything to the cake? It tastes different?"

Tamaki looks at the very VERY short 17 year old. "It's chocolate Honey. Chocolate. You love chocolate."

"USA-CHAN! TAMA-CHAN GAVE US CHOCOLATE! Thank you Tama-chan!" Honey said as he digged into the deadly treat. It's not a baked good, it's a baked BAD! (I'm sorry for that joke. I had to. Credit to Peyton)

*Couple minutes and cakes later*

"Usa-chan, I have a tummy ache." Honey told his stuffed bunny.

Tamaki took out his phone and looked up arsenic symptoms, then abdominal pains (That's tummy aches (I had to look it up too)). "It's okay Honey-senpai, it will all be over soon. Hehehehe HAHAHAHAHAHAAA! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA!" Tamaki started evil laughing

"Tama-chan?" Honey said before fainting because of depleting red blood cells. He died shortly after that, Tamaki still laughing.

10 laughing evilly minutes later, "Tamaki, what are you doing?" Kyoya asked.

"Nothing!" Tamaki panicked "Honey fell asleep!"

Kyoya looked at his friend. "Okay, whatever." He said and started walking away, writing in that one black notebook. What does he even write in that notebook? Fanfictions? Ya, definitely. I wrote this entire thing in accounting class and nobody even noticed. That's a lie. I'm sorry for lying. Where was I?

That interaction goes absolutely nowhere. Hope you're happy.

"Mitsukuni, it's time to go." Mori-senpai said to the poor, dead, kind hearted, innocent, adorable, cake loving, very dead, sweet, stuffed animal loving, little Honey-senpai, who is now dead. *Tears*

"Hey Mori-senpai, can you help me do things on the roof? Honey should 'sleep' longer. You know how he is without his nap."

Mori-senpai followed Tamaki to the roof.

"Take off your shoes. We don't want to dirty the roof" Tamaki said (Japanese suicide tradition you uncultured swines!).

Use to Tamaki's weird requests, Mori did.

*One body pushed off a roof and fake suicide note later*

"One more to go." Tamaki told himself, like a freaking murderous idiot.

"Local cousins Mitsukuni "Honey" Haninozuka and Takashi "Mori" Morinozuka were found dead. Honey was found with arsenic, and that was found with our amazing AMERICAN poison detectors. Because what better country than the God beloved merica'. Speaking of America, the dead kid named his stuffed bunny Usa, after the good old U.S.A.. Anyway, Mori's is believed to have committed suicide after the death of that short kid with the America bunny. His shoes were off and his note said 'I can't go on now that my Honey is gone. I have now committed suicide, NOT MURDER! And I couldn't go to America, the beautiful. Oh say can you seeeee! Sincerely Mori.' Wasn't that a great letter!" The American news reporter said as a tear of joy rolled down her face, "Oh say we do see, dear child. America."

"I knew adding that America part will make me get off scott-free. Now for the shrine of my beloved." Tamaki said to himself.

He walked into a locked room next to his. This room was roughly 513.64 square feet. The white carpet was woven cotton, silk and small traced of finely ground almond. Four walls, three of which were 5.54 inches thick, the one facing the perimeter of the house was 87.114 inches thick, surrounded the room and were painted a light frisky yellow sun drop color. The ceiling was 122.898 inches above the floor, and colored a milk with two drops of decalf coffee shade. Oh ya, and it was coved top to bottom with pictures of Haruhi, stuff he stole from Haruhi, multiple stuffed animals with Haruhi's face taped on them, and three life size cardboard cut outs of Haruhi.

Tamaki started chanting ancient African rituals on love that he read off the internet.


	3. Buckle up folks It's a crazy one today

"It's sad senpai," Haruhi said to Tamaki. "Everyone in the host club is dying. Usually my dad would comfort me, but he's been working so hard lately, I barely see him."

"You can always talk to me, my child."

Steam came from the floor as it started to rise.

'Mental note, she's added to the list.' Tamaki thought as he looked at the rising ground.

"Oh Haruhi, it is sad! No more gay twin love, sweet childlike innocence, or silent and bruiting. There is only-" Renge started

"Renge, can I talk to you outside for a bit. It's important."

"WHAT CAN BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THIS!" Renge yelled with fire in her eyes.

"Yes Tamaki. What could be more important than our dead friends?" Kyoya asked, his question sounded rhetorical. Tamaki knew he was onto him, seeing him laughing in front of a 'napping' Honey the day he died was very suspicious. Tamaki was skeptical of killing Kyoya, thinking he had no interest in Haduhi, plus he was his second best friend (After Haduhi), but Kyoya posed a threat now.

"Trust me Renge, you'll want to hear this." Tamaki said. They walked into the hallway together.

"What is so important!"

"Kyoya told me he loves you. He's scared that he might be the next host to go, so he's arranged a log cabin for you two to run away to, and live together happily."

Throughout Tamaki's explanation, Renge's eyes widened. She let out a high pitch fan girl scream.

"OH MY GOD! KYOYA-SENPAI LOVES ME! I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN! KKYYYYOOOOOOOYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Renge, I'm not suppose to tell you but Kyoya was too shy. You have to take him to the cabin. Here's the coordinates."

"Kyoya, I swear that I will keep you happy for the rest of your life! I'm coming senpai!"

"Renge Houshakuji and Kyoya Ootori believed to be in the burning remains of the blown up log cabin. All these cute teens are dieing. I think we need a moment of silence. Play the American national anthem." The news reported demanded.

"No! This has gone on long enough! We are in Japan, God Dimmit, so stop have a boner for that stupid little country Ameri-" A person behind the camera said. The American news reporter stared at him with pure hatred. As she walked towards the camera, the screen turned blue and said "Technical difficulties, please stand by".

"Now for the rest of my list." Tamaki said to himself. He should really stop planning murders out loud. I don't plan my murders out loud, people think I'm mute because of it. IT'S PERFECT! Where was I?

The screen turned back on and the American news reporter's hair was a mess and some blood was on her hands and face. "Ooh say can you seeee, By the dawn's early liiight, Oh so prooooouuuuudly we held," She sang with one hand over her heart. Text underneath her said "For God's sake SING ALONG! You do NOT want to know what happened behind the scenes."

Tamaki looked at his blood covered list, every item was crossed off. "Oh my dear, dear Haruhi, my precious angel. My coos of love shall no longer go unanswered. She will be mine!" Tamaki yelled into the empty music room. "But how should I receive my beloved? She, surprisingly, doesn't love me. Hmm, I bet she'll love me after some… 'persuasion'." Tamaki started evil laughing again. It lasted for 31 hours this time. Don't question it. After that very long very, very very, very long time of laughing, and I mean _VERY,_ he actually did something that isn't murder, or talking about murder. It's quite surprising actually. There should be a Nirvana album about this. Nevermind. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH wait, didn't I do this bad pun in this fanfiction already? If you made this far, I don't think your sane enough to care. Or you're just a mad TamaHaru shipper. Sailing the high seas to deliver your OTPs.

"Oh Haruhi, my one and only desire. For what is occupying your mind at this moment?"

"Why are you being so poetic?"

"For do you wish thou Tama-senpai to speak in an archaic form for such a dire time?"

Haruhi looked at Tamaki. "What?"

"Tamaki only speaks in this tongue for his beloved Haru-chany."

"Tamaki, are you okay?"

"I'm always okay when I'm with you, my glorious pinecone of love and devotion. My sun drop of love. My sweet chimpanzeesil, where are you, you weasel." (Romeo and Juliet for you weirdos that only read Fanfictions and not real books.)

"Should I call a hospital?"

"No, I just want to tell you something, my princess."

"What is it."

"I bet you look so cute when your tased."

"What the hell Tamaki!" Haruhi said before she got tased and passed out because of the electrical current running through her majestic (if you ask Tamaki) body and how long can I make this run on sentence without commas. The world will never know! Just like a tootsie pop! It's actually 39 words long if you count the speech and parentheses, but we ignore this fact.

"Tamaki, are you dragging your unconscious friend to your room again?" the butler asked.

"YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE!"

"I've been your servant for 16 years. I think I can safely say that I do indeed know your life."

"YOU'RE SO MEAN!" Tamaki yells as he drags the limp body of the young Host up two flights of stairs.

"Do you think we should the police on him yet? He's obviously the murderer." Another maid said.

"Just let him carry out his delusions. It's just a phase. I know I went through that phase, but I think mine involved more sausages and cows."

"Oh yes! Mine was with a cow too." A new maid responded. Soon all the servants were sharing the stories of their youths with murder.

Tamaki plopped Haruhi on a newly placed bed in the 'Haruhi Worship Room'. It had Haruhi bed sheets on it, of course. Don't question how he got it, Kyoya knows a guy. Well, Kyoya knew a guy. 'CAUSE KYOYA'S DEAD! It's the same with the life-size cardboard cutouts. Kyoya just knows a guy for everything.

The second year student stared at the cross dressing first year, waiting patiently for her to wake. By patiently, I actually mean impatiently. Besides being complete opposites, they're the same thing.

He continues to watch the most beloved part of his life right now for a while. Tasers apparently knock out people for a while.

 **A/N: Don't tase people kids. I know all you baby goats wanna, but don't. Don't do anything, and for God's sake, stop reading this if you know what's good for you. I don't know what's good for me, so here I am, writing this. Now, a word from our lord and savior, my senpai, Dark Queen Peyton. TAKE IT AWAY PEYTON-SENPAIIIIIIIIIII!**

 **Peyton: Wait what?**

 **Me: SEEEENPAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!**

 **Peyton: Wifey, please calm down!**

 **Me: NEVER! Now read our baby! Oh wait, you just finished reading it, didn't you…**


	4. The soap, an autobiography

**A/N: Ay, how's** its **going.** Me is return **.** Me **know English good. That all.**

Haruhi opened her eyes to see a whole lotta herself. "The hell?" she mumbled.

"Ah, Haruhi, glad to see I didn't kill you, my beloved. That would have been sad." Tamaki said.

"Where did you get fricking life-size cardboard cutouts of me?" Haruhi asked.

"Kyoya knew a guy," Tamaki said, mysteriously.

"Tamaki, I don't want to be here! Let me go!" She said as she noticed the chains around her hands tying her to the bed.

"Kinky, isn't it," Tamaki said.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Haruhi punctuated.

"Oh, many things are wrong with me, my dear Haruhi. So, so many things."

"Let me go!" Haruhi complains.

"Why would I do that. I love you so my princess."

"When my dad sees that I'm missing-" Haruhi started

"Oh yeah, I killed your dad like, twelve people ago. You really never noticed that your dad bit the dust?" Tamaki interjected. "He was #2 on the list."

"YOU KILLED MY DAD!?" Haruhi yelled

"Well, yeah. I would have killed your mom too, but... you know. She was #3 on the list." Tamaki said nonchalantly.

"You made a list?"

"There was a LOT of things to remember. I mean, thirteen people to kill is just too hard to remember after a good murdering. Well, six, but that's beside the point."

"What even was the point, to begin with?"

"You were, and still are, my beloved sugar muffin dumpling cake. Do you want to see my list?"

"No."

"Well, too bad," Tamaki said as he put the list on top of Haruhi so she could read it without using her hands (because they're chained you forgetful sardines).

"You killed everyone that took me as a host?"

"I'm working on it. There are 324 people following you on our website, including me. My username is TotallyNormalSchoolGirl-NotTamakiInTheSlightest57. Surprisingly TotallyNormalSchoolGirl-NotTamakiInTheSlightest one through fifty-six were already taken. So were 69 and 420, but that wasn't in numerical order, so I asked Kyoya why and he said to leave him alone. Gooooooood times."

Haruhi stared at Tamaki speechless.

"But anyways, you don't have to serve any more customers, my jello covered piranha of sunshine. We will be each other's customers for eternity."

"No, go away."

"You're not very appreciative. I dragged you up two flights of stairs for a couple minutes of intent sleeping staring and complaining. Sometimes I have to think is it worth it? Yes. Any questions?" Tamaki asked.

"What did I ever do to you? Let me go."

"You became the only thing that matters in life, my squishy Haruhi."

"What the f #$ does that mean?!"

"You have much to learn my baby JuJuBee."

"There is seriously something wrong with you."

"It took you this long to notice?"

"Good point. Wait, how long are you going to keep me here?" Haruhi asked.

"Forever, or until I brainwash you enough to go out in public again."

"You're going to brainwash me?"

"I bet your cute brain would be so fun to bathe. I'll buy the dollar tree soaps just for it."

"You're rich, can't you at least brainwash me with expensive soaps. I thought you loved me."

"YOU'RE RIGHT!" Tamaki yelled overdramatically. "Only the best soaps for my beloved. Hey, servents. I need the most expensive, juiciest soap in the world!"

"Alrighty then." A servant yelled back.

"Your brain shall be clean of all besides the love for me soon, my baby penguin covered in nacho cheese."

"You have the best pet names," Haruhi said sarcastically.

"Glad to see you stopped complaining. Now onto the fun part." Tamaki said and started laughing evilly again. His laughter was cut short from the twelve years that it would have been by the servant asking "Is $345,000,000 expensive enough of soap. It says 'extra juicy' in the description."

"Yeah, yeah get that one. And don't disrupt me again! I'm busy!"

"How will I give you the soap Master Tamaki if I cannot disrupt you?"

"Find a way! That's what I pay you to do!"

"You don't pay me, your parents do, and they pay me to make sure you don't kill anyone, or get killed. I think I'll be fired soon, though. I just have that feeling."

"Yes, now we both agree you suck at your job. Go away."

"If your servants are anything like you, he won't listen," Haruhi said.

"Back at complaining. Well, the fun part still needs to start." Tamaki said.

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm gonna do the best I can."

~~~~ one freaky week of soap rape later ~~~~

"So, Haruhi, how do you feel now?" Tamaki asked.

"I love Tamaki-senpai," Haruhi replied. She spoke in a monotone voice.

"Good. Will you take my hand in marriage?"

"Yes, I love Tamaki-senpai."

"Oh, how wonderful. Servents!" Tamaki called to his servants.

"The hell do you want!" One servant asked, "And it better not be more freaky s #t."

"I want you to arrange a marriage!" Tamaki said over dramatically.

"I love Tamaki-senpai," Haruhi said.

"Yep. Freaky s#$t. Bob, you owe me twenty bucks!"

"Damn," another servant said, probably Bob. "Why can't you just be normal and let me win bets!"

"I love Tamaki-senpai," Haruhi replied.

"My love tree of pickled saxophones playing country music is right. That's why you can't win bets."

"It just makes sense," the first servant said, walking away to arrange the wedding.

 **A/N: Peyton: What the hell happened to our poor fanfiction. It started with "Hey twins" and now we're at "My love tree of pickled saxophones playing country music". I think we finally lost our sanity.**

 **Pyromoose: Whelp, a loss of sanity is a small price to pay for a mediocre fanfiction that only has six favorites and five followers. And did anyone catch my Nightmare Before Christmas reference? (I don't own Nightmare Before Christmas. If I did I probably wouldn't be writing this weird ass fanfic if I did. I don't own Ouran High School Host Club either, just in case you thought I did. Peyton doesn't either. Becky does, but he doesn't share.) Got anything else to say, Peyton senpai?**

 **Peyton: I can't decide whether you should live or die! Oh, you'll probably go to Heaven, please don't hang your head and cry, no wonder why my heart feels dead inside! It's cold, and hard, and petrified! Lock the doors and close the blinds, we're going for a ride!**

 **Pyromoose: Oooooookkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy then. We're going on a ride. The next chapter will be the wedding. Sorry, we haven't updated this story in a while. School stuff. Review or I'll tell Tamaki you love Haruhi, and if you've been reading you would know you wouldn't want that. REVIEW!**

 **Peyton: Please comment. PLEASE! We're desperate!**

 **Pyromoose: SSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNPPPPPAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIii!**

 **Peyton: BELOVED! How many times do I have to tell you to calm down!?**

 **Pyromoose: I da no. I** english **good. Follow Dark Queen Peyton on . See you next time!**


	5. The letter limit keeps ruining my titles

"Haruhi, do you want your half decayed father to walk you down the aisle?" Tamaki asked.

"I love Tamaki- senpai," Haruhi replied.

"I'll take that as a yes. Hey, servents!"

"I'll unbury the body for you, master Tamaki," A servant said and walked away. Almost all the servants were fed up with his s# t, but they get paid A LOT of money to tolerate him.

"Oh, this wedding is going to be the best!" Tamaki said.

"I love you, Tamaki-senpai," Haruhi said.

"Oh my gosh! she added a new word! I'm so proud of you Haruhi." Tamaki said and hugged his fiance.

"I love Tamaki-senpai," Haruhi said.

"Tamaki, sorry to interrupt your weirdness, but the dress for Haruhi is here. It's red so blood won't show up from the dead people attending and it cost almost as much as the soap. Do you want it now, or should I hold onto it?" A different servant said.

"Hold onto it. It's bad to see your wife in a wedding dress before the event."

"You're forcing a brainwashed first year to marry you, but, of course, we need to do traditional wedding superstitions. You make so much sense, Master Tamaki." He replied

"Thank you for understanding. Oh, Haruhi, will your father be wearing a dress or a tux or what?"

"I love Tamaki-senpai with all my Tamaki-senpai," Haruhi said.

"I don't even know what that means, but I love it. You're so smart Haru-chan," Tamaki said and hugged his fiance again.

"I'll get the transvestite a dress," The servant said and walked away.

LET'Z GO TO ZEE VEDDING! (Now that's what I call a transition)

Wedding music was played on off key bagpipes because... potatoes I guess. Haruhi walked down the aisle with a taxidermied, half decayed, father taped to her arm so he didn't fall off.

Haruhi walked like a robot towards a life-size cardboard cut-out of herself repurposed to be a luring device because a picture of Tamaki was pasted on top of it. Haruhi was wearing a bright red, elegant, dress with $100 bills randomly scattered around the dress.

The audience was filled with mostly servants, but there was also the asleep looking Honey, a somewhat flattened Mori, and the bodies of the twins with their heads on their laps. Well, actually the servants couldn't tell the heads apart so they got mixed up.

Tamaki started walking down the aisle in a bright red tux to match Haruhi's dress. He held a zip lock bag filled with dirt, twigs, leaves, the ashes of Kyoya, and a little bit Renge ashes added in by accident.

"Isn't the groom suppose to walk out first?" A maid whispered to a servant.

"Are you seriously choosing that, of all the things wrong here, to ask about? Seriously?" the servant asked.

"Yeah, the wife is supposed to leave the groom waiting at the altar while she has a meltdown and regrets her life decisions. Then she decides to marry him anyway, so she goes to the altar, and the Groom puts away his phone that he was playing on while waiting. Then half way down the altar, the wife's father turns to his daughter and eats her ear off. Then it ends up the nazi Donald Duck apocalypse has started and they end up not marrying but eating each other's limbs slowly until they both die. I've seen that in so many Lifetime movies." another maid said.

"O-M-G! We watch the same Lifetime movies!" the first maid said.

"Oh, great. Nobodies sane here. I bet the dead body of the short kid would have a better conversation than this one." The servant complained.

"Jeez, judge much?" the second maid said.

The servant facepalmed.

At the altar, Tamaki was being the priest because no real priest was good enough for them. "Do you, my most cherished pudding cake of star wars chess and kawaii car bumper stickers about honor roll prison people and sausage, take me to be your husband?" Tamaki asked.

"I do, Tamaki-senpai. I love Tamaki-senpai." Haruhi replied.

"Do you, yourself, take this lovely lady to become your new wife? Why yes, thank you for asking. You're quite welcome. You may now kiss the bride." Tamaki said, having a conversation with himself. He kissed Haruhi as she stared into the distance. One servant started clapping and all the other people started at that one guy in judgment. He stopped clapping.

Tamaki hugged his new wife and expensive soap fireworks were set off and caught the building on fire. They all left (Including the dead bodies) And lived not very happily, more weirded out, ever after. the end. Hope you liked it because you ain't getting any more. Well... actually...

Peyton: No Pyrochan, that's a secret, remember?

Pyromoose: Oh yeah... Ssssssssssshhhhhhhh... it's a secret. (Don't unfollow, it may say complete, but the secret is coming out eventually.) And review, please.


	6. The chapter with the not host club

**A/N: This isn't the secret. Stop asking!**

 **Peyton: Nobody even commented that yet. You didn't even post this chapter yet!**

 **Pyro: YOU LIE! The secret will be NEXT chapter. or will it...**

 **Peyton: Shut up**

"Today, on Ouran Highschool Ghost Club's Ghost Adventures, we have a very special guest." A second year said. He had slicked back, light blonde hair and bright turquoise eyes. He held a microphone and was being filmed by a first year. The cameraman had bright green, short hair that had bangs shagging over his also green eyes. The Second year passed the second microphone to the American news reporter.

"I'm a special guest? I guess you don't get much Americans around here. You should really change that, Americans are literally the best." She said

"Word," The cameraman said.

"Daisuke, I told you the camera man doesn't talk!" The second year said

Daisuke shrugged in response.

"So, anyway, I'm your host Izanagi Yoshida and this is our guest star, American Woman Who Reported On Deaths," Izanagi said

"Finally, someone gets my name correct." She mumbled sarcastically. "Wait, how could you tell I'm American?"

"Just a lucky guess," Izanagi replied, "Let's get on with this."

Izanagi, Daisuke, and the American news reporter were now standing in the back of the school. "Here was where we found the Hitachiin twins brutally murdered by an ax with 'STAY OFF MY GIRL' on their backs. If you watched my news report, 'MY GIRL' is referring to the best country in the world," the American news reporter said.

"No, it's not. Isn't referring to that guy Haruhi." Izanagi said. The American glared at him evilly for disgracing her country.

"But dude, Haruhi ain't a girl. Wait, is he..." Daisuke said.

"Didn't I tell you to shut up?" Izanagi asked rhetorically.

Daisuke shrugged again.

"But anyways, back here you could hear the ghosts of the twins. Listen..." Izanagi said.

After a moment of silence, Kaoru's voice was heard saying "You know... I don't think the Boss wanted to chop wood."

"Shut up, Kaoru," Hikaru said.

"I told you we shouldn't have come" Kaoru replied.

The forest went to silence again.

"That is one of the two things you could hear while you're here," Izanagi said

"The other one is kinky, gay, ghost, incest sex, AKA, The second best thing in the world. First being America, of course." The news reporter said.

"Whatever you say," Izanagi said, rolling his eyes.

Izanagi, Daisuke, and the American news reporter changed location again. They were now standing in the host club room.

"Here is where the short kid-" The American news reporter started.

"His name is Honey" Izanagi interrupted.

"Oh, I'm sorry! Who's the special guest here?!" The American news reporter interjected.

"I think you're the special guest!" Daisuke said.

"SHUT UP DAISUKE!"Izanagi yelled.

"I'm sorry" Daisuke replied.

"So, anyways, this room is where THE SHORT KID died. It was by arsenic." The American news reporter informed

"The big A-S. Number 3 3. The A.M. of about 74.92159," Daisuke said.

"A: You're talking again, and B: What the actual hell are you talking about?" Izanagi asked.

"Arisnik is the 33rd element on the periodic table. I was informing the viewers of some properties of the element," Daisuke answered.

"Haha, you're a nerd. You know American nerds sent the first man to space. What are Japanese nerds doing? That's right, NOTHING!" The American news reporter said.

"What about Nintendo?" Izanagi asked.

"Because Honey was poisoned his ghost is still in here too," The American news reporter said.

"Well... you're clearly ignoring me," Izanagi said, annoyed.

"If you listen closely, you will hear this." She continued, still ignoring Izanagi. The American news reporter put a finger to her lips to signal silence.

"It's kind of lonely, just the two of us. Right Usa-chan?" a far away sounding voice of Honey-senpai said. He laughed "You're right Usa-chan. Cake always does make us feel better. Let's go!" More of Honey's laughs were heard until it eventually dissipated.

"Spooky," Daisuke said after Honey couldn't be heard anymore.

"JESUS FREAKING CHRIST DAISUKE!" Izanagi yelled.

The Ghost club and their 'special' guest were now in front of the roof entrance door.

"Here was where the place where the tall one fell off and died," the American news reporter said.

Izanagi faked coughed "Mori" he mumbled.

The American news reporter ignored Izanagi again. "In recent developments, it's believed that it was, in fact, murder and not suicide. The murderer sure is smart for loving America enough to feel the need to involve it in the letter."

"Are you sure he didn't add it because of you?" Izanagi asked.

"I'm always sure. But adoring fans, you know how the other ones had voices left over? Well, if you go onto the roof, it is literally utter silence. Watch." She said. The three of them walked onto the roof. 'See' she mouthed

'what?' Izanagi mouthed.

Izanagi and the American news reporter looked at Daisuke behind the camera.

'Even in silence I have to shut you up, you idiot.' Izanagi mouthed in annoyance.

'I miss the sound of my voice. Let's go to the woods!' the American news reporter mouthed. (Yes, you can mouth exclamation marks)

The three of them were now in the woods in front of the ashes of a burned down log cabin. "Here is where the french annoying one and the sexy smart one died a horrible death of flames and anguish."

"The smart one is named Kyoya." Izanagi corrected. "But Renge you could still call 'the annoying french one'."

"You didn't mention Kyoya's sexiness. He's like a sexy hammerhead shark with glasses and a black squid placed on the top."

"Squids are sexy," Daisuke said.

"Yeah! The only good thing to come out of not-America! High five for hentai fam!" the American news reporter said and raised her hand for a high five.

"It hurts to live..." Izanagi mumbled.

The American stood there next to Izanagi with her hand still in the air waiting for a high five. Izanagi had his face buried in his hands because it hurt to exist at that moment. Daisuke was staring blankly at the reporter's hand as the camera rests on his shoulder. In their silence, Renge was heard yelling "KKKKKKKYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" quiet loudly, but all three of them were preoccupied so none of them cared.

"Renge, please stop yelling. It was bad enough when we were alive," the voice of Kyoya said.

"You don't mean that." Renge laughed.

"The best part of the afterlife was attending Tamaki's terrible wedding."

"Well, maybe Tamaki should have kept your ashes.

Renge argued.

"He should of," Kyoya said.

Angry teeth grinds of Renge were heard and faded away.

"They got the ghost noises, let's just leave," Izanagi said, barely removing his face from his hands.

"I'm not leaving until this turd high fives me!" The reporter said.

"What's a high five? Does it involve the Count from Sesame Street getting a hold of weed and sharing it with a five?" Daisuke asked. His question sounded sincere.

"T-the stupidity, i-it kills..." Izanagi said as he fell slowly to the floor.

The American news reporter was now standing in front of the commoner dwellings Haruhi used to live at. Izanagi was no longer standing there, but there was another boy in his place. This new boy was taller and a third year. He had brown eyes and curly, short, silver dyed hair. "Um, hi, I'm Kentaro Kawaguchi. The better half of the Kawaguchi triplets. Izanagi gave up on Daisuke, so I guess I'm the host now. Um, this is where Haruhi used to live. Her dad was killed here. He was a transvestite, so..." Kentaro said.

"You're doing great!" Daisuke said and gave him a thumbs up, covering the camera with his thumb.

"Lying's a sin you know." the American news reporter said to Daisuke.

"Mary Smith, you're being mean," Kentaro said, looking at the floor. He was obviously much less used to interacting with people than Izanagi.

"I prefer 'the American news reporter'. It suits me." She said (Mary Smith was the most American name ever according to 'this one website I looked on'. Mary is easier to write than 'the American news reporter'. If you don't like it, I honestly don't care. ).

"O-okay," Kentaro said

"So, he died here. Listen to the transvestite ghost," Mary commanded.

"Oh, it looks like you caught me, Haruhi. I followed you here so I can carry your shopping basket. You know, how daddy loves accessories. Now, why don't you just hand it over?" a far away sounding voice of Haruhi's dad said.

"He was a weird guy. or girl. Who knows?" Mary said

"Ranka was still considered a man when he was alive. He just liked to dress in woman's clothing." Kentaro said quietly, looking at the floor.

"Did I #$% ing ask you?" The American reporter asked rhetorically and glared at Kentaro.

"N-no sorry."

"Didn't she, like, ask you when she said 'who knows'?" Daisuke asked.

"We should go to the next location," Kentaro said.

"Alright, you not Americans, let's go!" the American reporter said and started walking away.

Kentaro, Daisuke, and the American news reporter were now standing outside the Suoh mansion number two.

"Listen to this one!" Mary said excitedly.

"HHAAAARRRUUHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" A far away voice of Tamaki was heard, but it was so loud it sounded like he was shouting in their ears.

"Tamaki isn't dead. He just never leaves his room," Kentaro said.

"Nobody cares about the maid that died," Daisuke said.

"Of course. Her death was scientifically imposable." The American reporter said.

"Hey!" a random servant said. "Hippity hoppity, get off Master Suoh's property!"

"Run!" The American reporter said and made a mad dash away. Kentaro looked nervously at the camera.

The video cut to inside music room #8 (the ghost club's room).

"So that's our ghost documentary for this week," Izanagi said. "I was your host,"

"And I was, um, host for a bit too," Kentaro said.

"Shut up Kentaro." a girl that looked like Kentaro but with longer golden hair said. She was Kentaro's twin Kyoko

"Listen to your sister." Izanagi said. "and this has been, Ghost Adventures number one-hundred fifty-three. See you next week. The Ouran Ghost Club will be waiting for you."

"We'll see you then." Izanagi, Daisuke, Kentaro, and Kyoko all said in unison.

 **A/N: My little brother looks like Honey-senpai, but he can't pronounce Usa-chan. It's sad. Isn't that right senpai.**

 **Peyton: Yeah,... I guess?**

 **Pyro: He says** Usa **-con. I cry. Woe is me. Review or Honey would come back to life and loose his cake, then die again. Nobody wants that. And If you like the ghost club, go check out my other fanfiction, Ouran High School Ghost Club.**


	7. Yanderererere Tamike attempt 2

"Hey, twins."

"Yes, boss?" They say in unison. Tamaki had big plans for them.

"I need you to meet me after school and don't tell anyone where you're going. It's a secret."

"Secret?" The twins say in unison, smiling evilly at each other.

"Don't worry Boss," Hikaru said

"We'll be there," Kaoru finished.

Tamaki walked through the halls, wondering if he should really go through with this.

"Hey, senpai."

"GAH!" Tamaki yelled as he turned around. Haruhi was behind Tamaki.

She smiled "You sure are jumpy today senpai."

Tamaki looked at Haruhi. 'Maybe there's an easier way.' he thought.

"Hey Haruhi, would you like to go on a date with me?" Tamaki asked.

"Wouldn't dating me ruin the illusion that I'm a boy?" Haruhi asked.

Tamaki turned white and cracked a bit. "Um... well... I..."

Haruhi looked up in though. "I guess I could be your girlfriend if it wasn't for that," she said and smiled at Tamaki.

Tamaki gained color again. "HARUHI'S MY GIRLFRIEND!" Tamaki yelled and started running away.

"Well, there goes paying off my debt," Haruhi mumbled.

"Just be glad he didn't go on a murdering rampage for you," Kyoya said as if it was a normal thing to say.

"Kyoya-senpai, when did you get here?" Haruhi asked.

"I'm always everywhere Haruhi." He said the same way as before.

"Okay then," Haruhi said, creeped out.

The twins are now standing at the back of the school, waiting impatiently for Tamaki.

"Why did you think Boss wanted us out here anyways?" Kaoru asked.

"He's coming this way," Hikaru said.

"HARUHI'S MY GIRLFRIEND!" Tamaki yelled as he ran towards them.

"HARUHI'S MY GIRLFR-" He was repeating when Hikaru grabbed his shirt collar, stopping him from running past them.

"Why did you ask us to come out here, Boss?" Hikaru asked.

"Oh, I had big plans for you, A.K.A. murder, but I got a date anyways and it didn't involve expensive soap, dead transvestites, or a list, so all is good. Bye, need to spread the word of mine and Haruhi's undying love." Tamaki said and left Hikaru's grasp and ran away, screaming 'HARUHI IS MY GIRLFRIEND'.

"What?" Hikaru asked.

"I think the boss is going crazy," Kaoru said.

"Going crazy? Where have you been the past two years?" Hikaru said jokingly.

"With you brother," Kaoru said.

They recreated the second noise their ghosts made in the parallel dimension. (Minus the ghost part)

~~~~ And from then on, nobody got murdered. Well, Hikaru did much later, but that was a completely different circumstance. Tamaki's servants wondered why Tamaki didn't go through his murdering phase, but they eventually stopped caring. Honey never found out what arsenic taste like. The American News Reporter never went on the Ouran Highschool Ghost Club's Ghost Adventures, so the Ghost Club remained an unpopular club. Nobody reviewed in a week after posting the last chapter, so I'm writing a Yandari Tamaki Musical to spite all of you. YOU'RE THE REASON THAT FANFICTION WILL EXIST, NOT ME! (Read it when it comes out, it will be so terrible that it would be hilarious. (probably(Follow me as an author for a while to get it))). The juicy soap dealers never sold the $345,000,000 soap, but surprising stayed in business. The list died a sad death of not existing. We cried. Haruhi's brain stayed unwashed and America was never cared about by the children of Ouran. That's the end.~~~~

 **A/N: So** dat **be da secret chappie I tell** aboot **. Me** english **soy** goot **.**

 **Peyton: Your English really isn't. You literally need three spell/grammar checkers before you can even think about posting a chapter.**

 **Pyro: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHH!.!**

 **Peyton: Wow... great punctuation right there.**

 **Pyro: Indeed. Yandere Tamaki the Musical will be a real thing maybe. What do you think about it? It would be more detailed than this story, but it would have the same exact plot and much of the same lines, but many added lines. The baked BAD line will still be there, so just a heads up. Also, there'll be a new scene with Tamaki on a** **seg-**

 **Peyton: PYRO-CHAN! STOP SPOILING THE GOD DANM STORY SWEETY! JESUS CRIST!**

 **Pyro: Fine. Be that way Senpai. Well, this story is now complete. Hoped you liked it!**


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